Domestic Violence: No Joking Matter

My sorority, Alpha Chi Omega’s national philanthropy is domestic violence, so this is something that means a lot to me. Last year for our philanthropy week, one of the fraternities who participated made a banner with the Joker from The Dark Knight and put “Why so serious? Because domestic violence is no joking matter.” Clever, and kind of funny, but really true. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, so what better time to get the word out!? I’m doing my part here at College Lifestyles (TM) by posting weekly for the month of October about Domestic Violence.  With domestic violence being in the headlines a lot lately, (Chris Brown/Rihanna anyone?) it’s really important that everyone gets the facts because it really is no joking matter!

Even though this is my sorority’s philanthropy, I don’t know all the facts. So for this weeks post, I turned to someone who knows a lot more, Amy Zoldak, an Alpha Chi Omega alumna who has taken it upon herself to learn the facts about domestic violence and in May, started a weekly effort to promote domestic violence awareness via social media. So read what she had to say, and I guarantee you’ll have a better understanding.

Q: What do you think is the number one thing people need to know about domestic violence?

A: That domestic violence does not discriminate. It doesn’t care what color you are, how old you are, where you live, whether you are rich or poor, gay or straight.  It was  also a huge surprise to me when I learned the prevalence of teen date violence.

Q: Can you elaborate on that? The teen date violence? Is that really common?

A: The statistics are scary. Here’s a couple examples: One recent national survey found that about 1 in 10 female high-school students and about 1 in 11 male students said they had been hit, slapped, or physically hurt on purpose by their boyfriend or girlfriend in the past year. 1 in 3 teenagers report knowing a friend or peer who has been hit, punched, kicked, slapped, choked or physically hurt by their partner. (Liz Claiborne Inc. study on teen dating abuse conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited, February 2005.) Overall I think that the time a woman is at the greatest risk for domestic violence is between ages 18 and 24. For more information, I recommend these sites: http://www.safeyouth.org/scripts/faq/dateviolfacts.asp and http://www.loveisnotabuse.com/statistics.htm.

Q: What should people who know someone possibly involved in domestic violence do about it?

A: Yes that is a great question and a really hard one. I have been grappling with it and trying to learn as much as possible.
Here’s what I think. First if you are a bystander and you see or hear it, you should say something. Doesn’t matter what you say, even just knocking on the door can stop someone and make them stop and reconsider. Great video on that from @bell_bajao
If it is a friend or relative, the best thing you can do for them is reassure them that you are there for them and that you love them no matter what that when they need you, you will be there I think it helps a little to develop empathy for the friend who is being abused. I read Crazy Love earlier this summer by Leslie Morgan Steiner. It is a first-person story about how she came to be in the relationship and how she got out.

Q: Interesting! Do you think sometimes the blame gets misplaced on the abused for staying with someone who abuses them?

A: Absolutely. I also think that if you are a strong confident sort of person who doesn’t take nonsense from people, it’s hard to imagine why someone would hit someone else and also why someone would stay. Crazy Love does a good job of intertwining the story with the mechanics of an abusive relationship, things that she didn’t see as warning signs at the time in retrospect were quite clearly warning signs. Violence always starts out small and escalates… the abused one feels like she can fix him or she’s the only one who loves him or that love will overcome the other obstacles. Leslie’s story is esp compelling because she was 2 years out from graduating Harvard when she met her abuser. It’s not a matter of being smart or not. Here’s a video of her reading from her book.

Q: My next question is about the whole Rihanna/Chris Brown debacle. It obviously brings up a lot of coverage for domestic violence. Do you think it has hurt or helped people’s perception of domestic violence?
A: hmm. Interesting question. I think any time domestic violence is discussed publicly it is probably a good thing. I think the music community too seemed to take the situation very seriously. I heard that Chris lost invitations to perform at awards shows.
It is always disheartening to hear things that you hear… like “she deserved it” or “why doesn’t she just leave him?” but in the big picture, for an issue that was not that long ago never discussed in public…at least there is public discussion and you do hear a lot of education and positive programming (meaning actual facts and figures and stats), particularly from Tyra Banks and Oprah, actual domestic violence awareness not gossip and speculation etc.

Q: Ok last question. There were rumors that the Rihanna/Chris Brown thing was mutual. Like she hit him so he hit her back. Do you think that makes situations any less serious if it is something like that?

A: No. In fact it’s probably more serious. I just feel like there is no room in any relationship for physical violence.
I didn’t see Chris Brown needing medical attention. Just sayin… I think that a lot of what goes on in an abusive relationship is about control. The abuser abuses so he/she can have control over the abusee, and occasionally also because he/she cannot handle their emotions/rage. So it’s possible that the abuser pushes and pushes the victim until she lashes out in some way (hitting, yelling, etc.) then that somehow justifies retaliation. (this is just speculation, I am not a therapist and I have not done research on this topic). Like it’s not my fault, she made me hit her.

For more information about Domestic Violence, Amy recommends these websites:
www.ncadv.org -the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

www.ndvh.org – National Domestic Violence Hotline

http://www.caepv.org/- the Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence, and their executive directors blog is http://www.domesticviolenceworkplace.blogspot.com/.

To join in Amy’s weekly effort against domestic violence, follow her on twitter @Amy_Z.

If you or a friend are in trouble and need help, call the NDVH national domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
and the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline is 866-331-9474 and you can chat online with a peer counselor at http://www.loveisrespect.org.

Domestic violence is serious, now is as good of time as any to get the word out! Join the fight against Domestic Violence today!